2.16.2009

The Good, the Bad, The Ugly...

GOOD: My amniotic level has dropped! Last week it was at 40 and this week it was just above 29!!! I feel better all around and hopefully can continue through until April 13th (new delivery date). BAD: Before, with all the fluid we really couldn't see how bad the mass is inside our babies lungs. Well now we can see that it's HUGE. It takes up almost his whole chest cavity. There is now way to measure how big it is, how much of his right lung will make it, or how his left lung is at all. It's so big it has moved his heart from the center to the left side. UGLY: Me. I think after a week of waiting to see what happens, and the seriousness of this mass has consumed me today. There is no way to know his chances of survival until he's born. 8 more weeks. No matter how optimistic I try to be, the reality is that he might not make it and that crushes me to no end. I am sad today, tomorrow I will pick the perky front back up and pretend that everything will be okay even though I don't know what will happen. FOR NOW: We keep trucking along, monitor this little guy to make sure he does not go into heart failure and hope that he's makes it to live longer than his momma. In truth I know that this blog is therapeutic in more ways than one because I've mastered the art of putting up such a strong emotional wall so that no one can see my true state. Here they come crumbling down and I am able to release all the anger, fear, hurt at home with no one watching or judging.